Universal Spit-In-Your-Face Studios

This past week, I won tickets from a local radio station (KROQ) to go to Universal Studios.  They had a special event, where you got to enter the park before it opened, & go on the new "The Simpsons Ride."  This meant, we had to there between 7-8am Friday morning.  Which in turn meant, getting up at the really damn early.  But it was worth it.  "The Simpsons Ride" is whole lotta fun.  Even the line itself had things to keep you entertained.  They showed Simpsons cartoons, spoof-posters of other attractions in "Krustyland" and video vignettes of characters running different kiosks in the park.  The ride is of the simulation style.  The car doesn't go anywhere, but moves on hydraulics to give you the sensation of movement.  It's a far improvement over the "Back To The Future" ride it replaced.  A much more immersive experience.  But, maybe a little too immersive at parts...

This leads me to the title of this post.  After enjoying "The Simpsons Ride," we were allowed to stay in the park, & enjoy the rest of the day.  We took in a few more of the attractions at the park, which lead me to the following conclusion.  Every ride at Universal Studios has the central design of spitting water in your face.  We only went through a total of 4 attractions.  We got spit in the face 8 times!!  10 times, if you count the fact that we went on Simpsons twice.  It happens twice on Simpsons, once on "The Mummy" coaster & four(!) times in "Shrek 4-D."  Even on the Studio Tour, they have "Jurassic Park" dinosaurs that aim a water stream at your face.  What the hell is that all about!?!  Do they purposely sit down at the designing table & ask the following question?  "Yeah Bob, we really like the design for the new "Meet The Fockers" dog in the toilet special effects simulator attraction.  But, can we make the toilet spit in the audience's face?"

Rant #2 - Give Me Back My Voom HD!

I hadn't planned to do another one of these so soon, but I discovered something that must be vented upon.  But, this one will probably be pretty short & to the point.

I'm a subscriber of Dish Network, & am I big fan of their channel line-up.  At least I used to be.  I used to brag to my Direct TV friends, who gave a damn, that I had to of the best channels ever.  The first being Monsters HD, 24/7 of nothing but horror movies, from classic to current.  The other being, Kung Fu HD playing, you guessed it, 24/7 of nothing but kung fu movie goodness.  I loved these channels, & would flip to them often.  The other day, while scanning my DVR, I came across the last 2 (of the 5) Planet of the Apes, that I had recorded from Monsters HD, I had yet to watch.  It made me think, I hadn't scanned through the line-up lately to see if there were any new gems coming up in the next week.  I hit the "Guide" button on mt remote, & scroll down to where they resided in my line-up.  To my shock & horror, they were both gone!  What the HELL!?!  Where did they go!?!  Who said they could take these away from me!?!  

I did the only thing that was open to me, I contacted Dish Network.  They basically told me, while updated & upgrading their HD line-up, they removed some of the lesser performing channels.  Translation, Monsters & Kung Fu were part of the Voom HD 15 channel package.  The other 13 channels in that package were crap (in my humble (& correct) opinion).  And Voom probably sells them as an all or nothing deal.  So, they had to feel the axe as well.  BASTARDS!  So, I now turn to you, my readers (are there any out there?).  If you are a Dish Network subscriber & feel my pain, do me this favor.  Even you you don't feel my pain, & had no idea those channels even existed on your line-up, still do me this favor.  Contact Dish Network, & let them know you want them back!  Then, you too, can get on the internet, tilting at windmills.

Psst.  If ya like, you can just click the logo & it will take ya right to them.  Do It!

Rant #1: Comic Book Movies ≠ Kids

The top description of things covered in this blog lists three Rs. This is the only one that truly hasn't been covered. But, after my experience this weekend, I think it's time to post my first rant.

I went to see "Iron Man" this weekend & really enjoyed the movie.  Why did I enjoy it?  Not just for the special-effects, even though they were amazing.  But, what really sold the movie for me were the things that an older viewer, like myself, would appreciate.  The back story was well fleshed out & the actors were of a high caliber & delivered their performances to that level.  Who didn't appreciate those aspects of the film?  How about the group of 4-6 year olds that were seated next to Liz & I.  This was not a high-action, flashy colors, fancy powered comic book movie.  This was the story of a alcoholic, womanizing billionaire who puts on a high-tech suit of armor.  He does this not only to fight the bad guys, but because he loves the attention he gets from doing it.  All, of these things go beyond the reach of the children spread throughout the theatre.  Because of this, the group next to us soon lost interest & became very antsy, unable to sit still.  Eventually, becoming a distraction, as I tried to enjoy the movie.  This could all have been avoided, with a little research on the film.  And when I say a little, a mean infinitesimal.  All you need do, is look at the rating.  This was a PG-13 movie.  Not G, not even PG.  This movie was made for an older audience.  Hence the rating.  Pay attention to these things people!

I won't accept the old argument, that you don't want your kid to be only one left out of the big super-hero movie.  When I was growing up, that might be a plausible argument.  If you missed a movie in the theaters, you might be waiting years before it appeared on TV, in some edited fashion, or on a pay channel, if you were lucky enough to have access to one.  Hell, even 10 years ago, I'd even give ya that one.  It normally would take at least a year, sometimes longer, before a movie was released on VHS, or DVD.  Now, it can take as little as 3 months after it's initial theatrical release date before ya can pick it up at your local Best Buy.  And with all the other means of entertainment available to kids these days, is missing the "newly hip" comic book hero movie that detrimental to the playground cred?  I think not.  They could easily use the excuse, while sipping on their juice box & squeezing some out for their hommies, that they were to busy cappin' asses on GTA4 all weekend to be bothered with Iron Man.

Let me do you a favor now.  Movies to show 'em:  The Fantastic Four (both of 'em), Any of the Superman movies, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin (I'm not saying you hafta watch them, but they will probably enjoy all the flash & over-the-top performances), the Spider-Man franchise & next year, take 'em to see Dragonball.  All of these are made with a younger audience in mind.  Don't take your kids to "Batman: The Dark Knight."  Don't take 'em to see "Hellboy II: The Golden Army."  And for the love of all that's holy, do not take them to see "The Punisher: War Zone" later this year!  "The Incredible Hulk," might be okay, but there's no rating yet.  But they have promised a whole lot more Hulk Smash goodness & it's only about 90 minutes long.  Which usually means, not a whole lot of talky-talky, but a whole lot more boom-boom.  But, definitely, take 'em to "Speed Racer."  I know this is technically speaking, not a comic book move.  But, it falls into the same overall genre of films.  It's got lots of pretty colors, high speed races & chimp shenanigans.  What's better kid entertainment is there than chimp shenanigans!?!  For my money, there isn't one.