Dear Silvio DiSalvatore

I had the opportunity to watch your directorial & writing debut "Black Cougar" this past weekend. And at this time I would like to have you arrested for theft. You've stolen 106 minutes of my life that I will never get back. No, that's not enough. I'd like to charge you with murder. For my soul suffered, & I became dead inside while I was watching your film. You killed a little part of me. Now if you could only add assault to the charges, & come beat me over the head until I forget I ever saw this piece of crap.

I don't question your motives. You wanted to create a superhero, for children. That's very noble. But what you actually created, was something that appeared to be made by a 5 year old. It was remarkably simplistic, while at the same time being completely convoluted & bloated. I could have edited this baby down to 30 minutes & told the exact same story. Actually, I could tell the story without in less than that. Here it is. It's Pinocchio!! There, done! I just saved someone else from excruciating torture, the equivalent of jamming knitting needles into their eyes & ears.


Since I've touched on the story & script, let's completely punch it in the face. I've seen more believable characterizations in Bugs Bunny cartoons. The villians were drinking out of skull chalices! They kidnapped children while driving up & down the streets in not one, but two, stretch limousines!! How do you sneak up on any one, in something so conspicuous!?! And how the hell does a Mayor of some suburban city warrant a limo? The Mayor of Los Angeles doesn't roll that large. That's one high class of criminals for such an underground operation.

And finally, the look of this film. I understand this is low budget. The entirety of which seemed to be blown on aforementioned limos. But there are things that just can't be ignored. YOU. THREW. A. RUBBER. RAT! WTF!?! I didn't realize rats could fly? An army of action figures!?! ... I have no words for that one. Actually, I have no words left. I spent too many on this travesty. Far more than it deserves.

That's not entirely true. I do have 4 more words for you...

Fuck you Silvio DiSalvatore.